Okay

"No, no, no--we are Christians!"

-- a father, trying to schedule an audition for his daughter with The Children's Theatre

--

I'll try to reproduce this amazing conversation that I just had at work. The following takes place after I've been talking to a man, C., for about ten minutes about scheduling his daughter, M., for an audition this Saturday.

Note: I don't intend for this conversation to appear racist. However, I simply have to tell you that C. has a very thick accent and has trouble understanding English over the phone. Personally, I think the humor comes not from the ethnicity of the person on the other end, but because that person has clearly no idea what he is getting his daughter into.

--

Me: Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.

C: It's okay. So what does my daughter have to do for the audition?

Me: Well, there are a number of things. First, she has to perform a monologue.

C: A monologue?

Me: Yes.

C: Okay.

Me: This has to be less than two minutes long. Under two minutes.

C: Okay. Under two minutes?

Me: Yes.

C: Okay.

Me: She also has to prepare a song.

C: She sing?

Me: Yes, she's going to sing at the audition.

C: (worried) Oh...how long?

Me: About a minute.

C: Ten minutes?!

Me: No, sorry. One minute. About one minute long.

C: Okay.

Me: She needs to bring sheet music.

C: Sorry? What kind of music?

Me: The sheet music.

C: What kind of music?

Me: It's the paper that the music is written on.

C: Oh...okay.

Me: There will be an accompanist in the room with her. He will play her song while she sings.

C: Who?

Me: A piano player. That's why she needs to have the sheet music.

C: Oh...okay.

Me: He'll play the music while she sings.

C: Why does he do that?

Me: Uh...

C: She can't just sing?

Me: No, sorry, we don't allow acapella singing at auditions.

C: Who singing?

Me: She has to sing with the music.

C: Oh...okay.

Me: Okay. She may also have to dance a little bit.

C: Dance? Okay.

Me: Yes. Has she taken dance?

C: Oh...no.

Me: That's okay.

C: What has to be in the song?

Me: The song she sings?

C: Yes.

Me: She can sing about whatever she wants. Some kids come in and sing a Broadway song, and some kids come in and sing "Happy Birthday."

C: "Happy Birthday"?

Me: Yes. It's a big range.

C: What else?

Me: She also needs to have a headshot and resume.

C: Resume? What needs to be in the resume?

Me: We need contact information.

C: Okay.

Me: We also need her physical description. Eye color, hair color, height, weight, that sort of thing.

C: Okay.

Me: We also need to know what experience she has. If she's taken any classes in acting or singing, or done any performances.

C: Oh. She doesn't do that.

Me: Oh, that's okay. Has she ever done a play at school, or--

C: I will put her on the phone, okay? You tell her what she has to do at the audition, okay?

Me: O...kay.

C: (to his daughter) Here! Come here! You talk on the phone to this man.

Daughter: Hello?

Me: Hi, my name is Chris Stewart. I'm calling from The Children's Theatre. Your dad and I just scheduled an audition for you this Saturday.

D: Okay.

Me: He wanted me to tell you what you had to do in the audition.

D: Okay.

Me: First, you have to perform a monologue, and that has to be less than two minutes long.

D: (silence)

Me: So, under two minutes.

D: I don't get it.

Me: What don't you get?

D: What's a monologue?

Me: Oh, sorry. It's any time one person is talking on stage. So they could be talking to themselves, or telling a story...

D: Can it be two people?

Me: Well, that's when there's two or more people talking. A monologue means only one person is talking.

D: So...just tell a story?

Me: Well, as long as it's already written down. Like in a book, or a play. You could probably even pick a poem if it tells some kind of story. There's a lot of them on the internet, too.

D: Okay.

Me: Okay. The next thing is a song.

D: I have to sing?

Me: Yes. And you'll have to bring sheet music.

D: What music? Can I sing with a CD?

Me: No, you have to bring sheet music for our accompanist.

D: What?

Me: Our piano player. If you go into a music store and ask for the piano sheet music for your song, they should be able to help you.

D: Can it be for guitar?
Me: Maybe sometimes. But if you can find the piano music, that's best. Because our accompanist will be playing a piano.

D: Okay.

Me: And I told your dad about the headshot and resume, so that should be fine. Oh, have you ever done any dance?

D: Kinda.

Me: Okay. Well, we may ask to see some dance ability when you audition.

D: Okay.

Me: Think you can do all that for us?

D: Maybe.

Me: Okay...uh, do you know all the things you need to do?

D: Yeah.

Me: You remember everything?

D: No.

Me: Did you take notes?

D: No.

Me: You didn't? Did you write any of this down?

D: Na-ah.

Me: Oh. Okay.

D: I be fine.

Me: I'm sure you will. Well, I told your dad all of this, too. So you should be okay.

D: Okay.

Me: See you--

C: Hello?

Me: Hello, sir?

C: Okay. You told her everything she needs to know, right?

Me: I think so.

C: Okay. Where is your building?

Me: (I give him directions)

C: Okay. Is it a big building?

Me: It's...uh...medium.

C: Okay. Is it on the top floor?

Me: No, the auditions will be on the main floor. You'll probably see a lot of people around that door.

C: Yes, yes. What is it like?

Me: What does it look like?

C: Yes.

Me: It's gray. It has a tree out front. We have a signpost but there's no sign on it yet. We just moved.

C: Oh--you're not in the same building?

Me: Not the same as before.

C: This address is not the right one?

Me: No, that's the right one.

C: It isn't?

Me: (I give him directions again)

C: Okay. Good. What play will she be in?

Me: This is for our summer program.

C: When?

Me: This summer. July.

C: Oh...okay.

Me: Is that okay?

C: Yes. Okay.

Me: Okay. Well, we'll see you Saturday.

C: This Saturday, yes.

Me: Okay, then--

C: Can my son come too?

Me: You want your son to audition, too?

C: Maybe. What time?

Me: Well, it'll be a different time than your daughter's. Hers was the only slot open.

C: When can he come?

Me: How about in the afternoon.

C: Oh...okay.

Me: Okay, I have times available--

C: No. He won't like it.

Me: Oh. Okay.

C: She knows what she has to do?

Me: Yes. But I don't think she wrote it down.

C: No, she wrote nothing down.

Me: Right. Okay. Well, as long as you know what she has to do, we should be good.

C: I know?

Me: I hope so.

C: Okay.

Me: Okay.

C: Okay. Goodbye.

Me: Bye.