Pascha

"--which there was no need to have told you, by the way. And I fancy that in telling you about my inner conflict I have laid it on rather thick to glorify myself."

-- Mitya, in Fyodor Dostoevski's The Brothers Karamazov

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Heels up, flung headlong. Attempting a contemplative weekend instead of an active one, I've attended (so far) two Pascha services at Christ the Savior - Holy Spirit Orthodox Church. It has been, to say the very least, interesting and informative. You can learn a lot about any religion just by attending a service, and as several sources have told me, that's the only real way to become acquainted with Christian Orthodoxy.

I've been learning about Orthodoxy for years. Now, I'm trying to learn it, itself.

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I told my mom as much. "Make sure," she told me over the phone, "that you're not doing this for your friends. Make sure you're doing it because you really feel it's the right thing for you."

That made me think. Sure, some friends of mine recently decided to join the Orthodox Church. Sure, one of my closest professors is Orthodox. But am I?

The word "Orthodox," of course, means "right worship" or "right belief." Aside from implications that this is the right way for a Christian to worship and believe, I still have to ask whether it's "right for me." Or maybe not right--but suitable? ideal? comfortable?

That's what worries me, that confusion of "feeling something is right" and merely "feeling comfortable."

And couldn't one argue that it has nothing to do with something being "right for you" or "right for me," anyway? That it ought to be something "right for God"?

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Really, it's too early to tell, anyway. Two services on the most holy weekend in the year are not going to give me a very representative view. Still, now is better than later; as this time of year is cumulative for Orthodox, one could argue that this is the best time of year to observe their services--in the same way that many Protestants are on their best behavior at Christmas.

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As a personal act of faith, and with vague intentions of "preparing" myself for an Eastern Easter, I fasted for all of Good Friday (or "Holy and Great Friday," as Orthodox call it) from use of all unnecessary electricity, all food and all drink besides water. It was hard.

My rationale was partially based on Orthodox practice--I read somewhere that there is a "strict fast" to mourn the physical death of Christ the Man--and something I heard on the radio about the Jewish Sabbath. A woman on the radio spoke about "trying not to have any affect on the world" for at least one day of the week. That's where the electricity thing came in. Keeping my phone off for 24 hours was a lot harder than I like to admit.

The eighteenth hour (6pm) of my fast was the most difficult. After I had seen the daylong fast through, I carbed up on two dinner rolls and some hummus. Too tired (a combo of actual crashing and a false sense of exhaustion) to do anything else, I slept for ten solid hours after.

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For those interested in reading about Orthodox services, check out some books and these sites:

http://www.orthodoxinfo.com/
http://www.frederica.com/12-things/
http://www.christthesavioroca.org/about_orthodoxy.html

For those interested in Orthodoxy itself--if you're wondering, "Could I eventually become Orthodox?"--don't waste too much time reading about it. That was my mistake, admittedly. I read a lot about the beauty of the liturgy songs and the meditative experience and ancient theology, that got so caught up in "clouds" and anything earthly, anything less than a veritable cloud, seemed, well, lower than what it ought to be. Reading about it idealized the Church in my mind, and I found myself a tad disappointed (rather than fascinated) to see ordinary folks standing around me.

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It wasn't until after Matins last night, after I'd made a quick run to the grocery store and read a bit from The Brothers K, that I realized what had happened in those services. As much as I was just trying to observe what was going on--when people crossed themselves, which icons were venerated and when, etc.--I had also stood and spent long hours in strict contemplation. After a few moments of self-consciousness, all consciousness of myself--my life's petty worries, my desires, my needs--disappeared.

As my professor put it, "The West says, 'Don't just stand there; do something.' The East says, 'Don't just do something; stand there.'"

I can't wait to see if it happens again tonight.