Italian

"If you gots the poison,

I got the remedy."

-- Jason Mraz, "The Remedy"

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It's five o'clock on a Friday in January, I'm sitting at my desk, and I'm half-tipsy on Mission Street India Pale Ales, a sixer of which was the gift from my boss to me to celebrate our co-direction of the Black History Month show, Harriet Tubman, which had its dress rehearsal earlier today.

It's also been two weeks since my last post. Sorry about that. I've been busy.

A quick rundown:

For the first week back from the holiday break, I was doing my best to direct (notice I don't say "directing") a touring show. This meant stopping at a Pilot station halfway from Nebraska to here so I could get started on blocking, and it also meant a number of very late nights pondering entrances stage-right and exits stage-left. It also meant feeling like a fool during choreography rehearsals when the barrels were empty and the trickle ran dry, my creative juices verily sapped by hasty, wasty hours of making things up as I went along. But my boss intervened and the show was saved from mediocrity--or worse, unmitigated children's theatre failure--as she tweaked and fixed and cut and flipped entire scenes while I sat nearby, taking mental notes of all the faulty direction I had given in the preceding week. It was thrilling and humbling to watch as my boss, a woman with years of directing experience, isolated problems and pinpointed solutions with the ease of a master carpenter working a piece of wood.

All this, mind you, while I met with Navy recruiters and researched educational options in my spare time.

Remember: 2010 is going to be a big year for this squirrelly little Asian guy. The trick now is to make it big in a worthwhile way, and to refuse to be ashamed.

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Started going to church again. It's the way I was raised and I like the person I am when I go to church and feel myself humbled before the Creator; it's as simple as that. Haven't found a "church home," as it's called in the Assemblies of God churches I knew growing up, but it's normal to bounce around a bit before settling into one's new religious digs.

The AoG service I attended (in Alexandria, KY) was disappointing and discouraging. The preacher--a tall, black-clad man with a microphone turned up way too high--snapped his fingers at the congregation twice during his sermon, saying, "Hey! Listen up! Listen to me!" He had all of the pomp and circumstance one expects from a sixth-grader leading Sunday school for the first time, and the me-me-me attitude of a third-world warlord. I will not return to that church.

This coming Sunday's destination: the AoG church in Montgomery, OH, about ten minutes from where I work.

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Broke up with my girlfriend of 14 months, too. Had to be done.

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One night about a week ago, I found myself convinced that I was going to enlist in the Navy and become a CTI, the military equivalent of a linguist. The prospect of learning another language on the government's dollar so inspired me that I rushed to the library and checked out a 6-CD multimedia series called "Teach Yourself Italian." In one hour, while watching a football game, I learned the numbers and days of the week. It was exhilarating! I marched around my small apartment, holding a glass of white wine with one hand, gesticulating like a Corleone with the other, practically shouting the words, "Cero, uno, due, tre..."

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I haven't decided what I'm going to do to change my life. But I have decided that a change has to be made, and that's half the battle, I think.

Encouragement from family and skepticism from friends aside, I do know this: No one will make me the person I want to be, except for myself. Losing weight and getting into shape are not mere tricks of diet and exercise--they are rather the natural results of mentality. It's not as simple as the faith teachers say--"Think you will lose weight, and you will!"--but it is as simple as saying, I know what it takes to lose weight and get into shape; therefore, I will do those things that help me achieve those goals.

Further: I will do those things that make me the person I wish to be. I will act upon my beliefs, and I will refuse to prostitute myself to anyone, for any reason. I will retain my dignity along with my self-respect, and will strive to turn that respect outwards to my fellows and to my environment. I will live according to my ideas of virtue instead of another's idea of value.

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Is it that simple? What will my friends think? Will I let people down if I turn from my talent towards a career with stability, higher income and the prospect of a good family future?

Along those lines, I want to say this. I feel as if some friends--not all, not many--are living vicariously through my success (if that's what you want to call it--I call it half-luck, half-settling) and will feel discouraged themselves if I stop doing what I set out two years ago to do. What I say to them is this: I'm simply trying to live my life. What I do defines not who I am. It doesn't define whether we'll be able to hang out and have a beer the next time I'm in town. But it does help to define whether I can finance my future children's education, what kind of car I'll drive in five years, and whether I'll be content or discontent with my choices down the line.

Food for thought: I'm growing tired of not having anything to show for my efforts. Today's events are indicative of old habits and life trends: For almost two years now, I've been working too long and too hard at a single project, seeing it to completion, and drinking away the reward.

No more. Something's gotta give. Something's gotta give back.

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Like Jimmy Stewart in the holiday classic, "I've said too much." It's a half-hour later than when I started, and I've said many things I've wanted to say for days.

There's a certain nobility in taking a risk and branching out. There's a definite solace in starting over. And there's a lot of stuff you have to think about before you do any of those things. What I can promise is that I'll think it all over--a lot--before I make any real decision. I owe it to myself at this point to send out beacons and gather information; that's all I'm doing.